Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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