I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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