Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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