No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
