where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
