I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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