I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
