Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
