i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
