My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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