sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
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