I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
