Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
