I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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