shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
even my farts smell like vagina
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
