I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
