What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
