I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
