i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
