I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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