I hate all girls vehemently.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
