I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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