So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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