i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
