dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
