god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
there is glitter all over my balls
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