Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
