and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
