I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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