one might say we're banned from that church
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize