i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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