my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
