Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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