good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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