ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
