Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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