Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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