like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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