i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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