um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
