I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's official drugs can't kill me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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