I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
