Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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