You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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