New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
