i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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