I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
