The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..