When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.