what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.