i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.