If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
