His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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