Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
