How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
