After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
