I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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