ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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