So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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