The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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