Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
