she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
