As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
