The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
