I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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