Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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