I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
