you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
