Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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